Even though LGBT rights are coming out of the closet to the extent that many states have the same-sex marriage rights, there is still much in the closet. One of these is the fear creating hidden abuse: verbally, mentally, and physically. It is so difficult for those who are abused to ask for help when they are still in the closet and are embarrassed to ask for help with their dysfunctional, abusive relationship. They need the support of their family and friends to help and maybe even save their lives.
This abuse is something that needs to be addressed. In general it stems from control issues of one person over another. Then the abused partner rationalizes the reasons the abuser does these things. Being the 'nice' person in the relationship, they feel that the controller will change or get better.
The abuser may be secretively violent or controlling such that others outside of the relationship do not see the abuse.
Sometimes the cause stems from alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. In such cases the abuser may have to go into rehab, not just once but many times before they are able to control their urges these illnesses cause.
An anger management program may be necessary as well.
The abuser may not be able to see that there is a problem; many abusers do not realize there is a problem because they are 'out of it' when the abuse occurs and do not remember what happened. Others just want to be in denial that there is any problem; they are getting their needs met and do not really care about their partners needs or feelings.
Until these folks truly want to change, they will lie to you, those around them, and the professionals treating them
That is why I recommend couple's or family counseling. It is here that their family and friends can keep the therapist-psychologist-psychiatrist informed of the truth of what is really going on or how things are progressing. Above all be truthful too. Do not bow under from any bullying or threats to you from your partner about telling the truth. This is a major step and misinformation will not help the healing process.
Left on their own they will make up stories to tell how well they are doing when in reality that may not be the case.
Even though the professionals hate to admit it, abusers are very skilled at deceiving everyone including their own therapist-psychologist-psychiatrist. The abusers are doing this because this is their survival mode and are trying to protect themselves any way they can. This is why family and friends intervention can really help, but in many cases the abuser will try to reject everyone's help.
If the abuser is in a situation where they are going to be married, they may say and swear up and down and backwards that things will change after the wedding. They will say it is the stress or pressure right now and things will change. This can be the case with an injury that they say things will be better after the injury gets better, but it has been months or years already. This also goes for drugs and smoking and so on. I am sure you get the idea. There will always be an excuse to cover for them so they can continue to abuse whatever the problem is, thereby abusing their loved ones.
If you are going to make a big lifetime commitment such as a wedding or buying a home, get these problems taken care of before you enter into any type of commitment, or you will be in worse shape years into the future.
Again, this happens to many people, but it is more hidden in the LGBT relationships because our community is used to hiding and being in the closet.
Please get help now for a longer, healthier, and more peaceful relationship.
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